Accepting the Unexpected
I’d always just taken it for granted and presumed that ‘when I grew up’ I’d have 2 kids – a boy first ( to look after his younger sister) then a girl.
Life went on, the years passed. I remember being carefree in my twenties, loving life, travelling and partying with my friends. I lived for the weekend!
I was about 28 and recall thinking I wouldnt mind having a baby, I was in a relationship so we agreed I’d stop taking the pill and see what happened.
I wasn’t too concerned as I was still young and my mum re-assured me I’d be OK as “women have them in the 40’s nowdays” so that was it, Mum said I’d be fine so i put it to the back of my mind, and if anybody asked when I was going to have kids I just replied .. one day, not yet though ( I should have said mind your own buisness looking back!).
Fast forward 10 years – still no kids.
If not now, when?
I was 38 and the biological clock was ticking. The ‘when are you having kids’ question was still being asked and was starting to bother me. I did want a baby, and I wanted to make my mum a grandma just as much.
Then I missed a period! Yes, could this be it? I did a test – negative. I left it a week or so, no period so I went to see the doctor.
I can still vividly remember that day, full of hope, anticipation and excitment to be told “I’m sorry Miss Drage you’re not pregnant – you are pre-menopausal”.
WTF!!!! I was 38 not 58! How can this be? I want a baby… I’d switched off after that, I remember hearing ‘fertility clinic’ mentioned a few times but I was in shock.
I went to my car and sat in there for what felt like an eternity and cried… and cried.
I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and loneliness. I had never felt so alone in my life. How was I going to tell my family.
The next few years were a blur, depression set in, I had months off of work and I split with my then partner. I stayed on my own for a couple of years trying my best to muddle through and make sense of this life.
During this time I had to have my fallopian tubes removed, it was there I was advised there was a small chance I may be able to have a baby if I went for IVF – possibly having to use an egg donor as my egg reserve was low, but i needed to act NOW.
I was still single so how the hell was this going to happen!
I had a friend, he was single – no kids. I had this crazy idea we could do this together, so I called him. He agreed. Oh my God, was this really happening!!! I was so excited about the prospect of being a mum at last.
We had several appointments with the fertility clinic, all set to go. On the morning of the appointment to start the procedure something was niggling me to call and double check I was still eligible for funding (due to my age as I was now 40).
The lady on the phone put me on hold whilst she went to speak to somebody and came back to inform me that no, unfortunately I wasn’t as I was now “too old”.
I was devastated. I gave up.
A New Year…
Life went on, I pushed down the feelings that I got every time I saw a baby or a pregnant woman; the feelings of grief I suppose…. grief for the loss of something I would never have. It was hard. The depression returned, I felt a failure.. as a woman and as a daughter.
The menopause kicked in, my moods were eratic, the sweats were debilatating and I was constantly consumed by negative thoughts. I hated myself.
It was New Years Eve 2013, I was in bed and remember thinking I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. This was my lowest point.
I don’t know what happened but when I woke up that New years day 2014 something had shifted. I knew I couldn’t carry on as I had been..I also knew it was only me who could save mself, so I decided there and then to do something about it. This is where my journey of self development began.
Dare to Dream…
I enrolled on The Art of LIving course which one of my good friends recommended, this was one of the best decisions I had ever made. I was introduced to Meditation, Mindfulness and breathing excercises, I was so far out of my comfort zone, it was scary… but I loved it.
I felt as though I had woken up. I felt alive. My mindset was changing, I was noticing things I had never noticed before. I was starting to feel happier.
In Feb 2014 I went to a workshop called Dare to Dream, this is where I met Sally Canning, she introduced me to EFT ( Emotional Freedom Techniques).
I remember at the beginning of the day her asking me what i wanted to do with my life, I had no idea. By the end of the day I knew what I wanted to do… I wanted to do what she was doing. Inspiring women to believe in themselves and free themselves from their limiting beliefs enabling them grow into the best version of themselves.
That day changed my life and I will be eternally grateful to Sally for this, who is sadly no longer with us.
I went on to be mentored by Sally for 6 months, I then trained in EFT as I had such a powerful results with it myself. I had found my purpose.
The Dovecote Community
Fast forward to January 2015, out of the blue after about 2 years of not having a period I had one. I went to see the doctor who rushed my through to see a specialist… to cut a long story short I had cancerous cells and was advised to have a full hysterectomy.
Without hesitation I agreed. The operation came and went, I felt fine until one of my close friends got pregnant. I hated how I felt, even though I was so happy for her, I was so sad for me. All the old emotions resurfaced that I thought I’d dealt with. NO!!!! not again.
It was awful, I distanced myself from my friend which made me feel guilty on top of everything else. However, this time I had my tools to help me through this, I refused to let the depression take me down again.
This is when I stumbled across The Dovecote Community – created by Kelly Da Silva for women just like myself to connect with each other.
This was a blessing and definitely helped me through this part of my journey. Kelly is also an EFT practitioner so I booked myself a Skype session with her which helped me to process stuff I didn’t even know was there!
I remember during the session feelings of resentment coming up for my mum! I had been unconciously carrying this around with me for years. I was resentful because she’d told me I would be OK and women had children later on in life nowadays, so my subconcious mind had taken this as fact so there was a part of me that was blaming my mum! Crazy!
I have dealt with all of that now and I don’t BLAME anyone as by blaming others is just giving your personal power away.
So back to now and my friend now has a beautiful 1 year old and I adore her. I now feel I have fully come to terms and accepted ‘what is’. I feel emotionally free and in a really good place mentally.. in fact the best place I have ever been.
I have since gone on to help lots of women with their emotional struggles, I love the work that I do and I am continuing to learn new skills.
I have also trained as a clinical hypnotherapist and recently Indian head massage which I integrate in my therapy sessions.
I am grateful for my struggles as without them I would not have found my strengths.
I hope my story will give other women hope for the future, that there is still a life even without kids.
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